Thursday, June 29, 2017

All of My Days


I just turned 60 in April. This morning I ran across the following thoughts I typed at age 50. Interesting how, after 10 years, I've absorbed the encouragement into my life, but would not have remembered when or where I learned it. In the hope it might be encouraging to you too, I am posting it:

There is something I’ve been struggling with for quite some time.  At the age of 50 and looking back, I feel like I have made so many bad choices and have so many regrets.  I think when I accepted the Lord at age 22, I thought following Him would help me make good choices and I wouldn’t have to live with a lot of painful regrets.  But now here I am at 50 and sometimes the memories of it all just about suffocate me.  I would still like to think this isn’t necessary.  But I’m writing this with the strong suspicion that my problem is “common to man.”  Since we are sinners, it is probably inevitable that as the years go by we almost can’t help but accumulate a realization that we’ve taken too many wrong turns and then have to suffer the painful consequences we’ve earned and inflicted on others.

This is all, of course, acknowledged while at the same time being deeply grateful to the Lord for more blessing than I could have ever dreamed.  In spite of all my foolishness, I find myself “compassed about with blessing.”  I can’t argue at all that I am anything but enormously blessed today.  My years have been blessed with a wonderful family, with many really, really special Christian people, with good jobs with great people, with all these times when the Lord has taught and showed me, and all the times He has met me in the way with some little cordial of kindness that gave me strength to carry on.

But with all that acknowledged, still, there are these awful regrets, bad decisions, mis-guided choices, etc., etc.  What do I do with this ugly little monster that follows me around and relentlessly tries to steal the joy of all my blessing?

The Lord showed me something this week that really, really helps me.  It is found in Psalm 139:16:

All the days ordained for me
       were written in Your book
       before one of them came to be.

All of the days,”  “before one of them came to be.”  They were “written in Your book.”

Every one of my days was ordained by God(!).  That includes the days when I was making bad choices.  In fact it even stretches back to before I was saved.  Talk about bad choices!  But even if God had to weave my bad decisions into the tapestry, still He has always had me securely in His eternal wise control.  Somehow, He knew He had to let me make those bad choices.  Somehow they either served to teach me something or get me some place where He could teach me.  Whatever was going on, it all adds up to His glory.  Of course, I’m still accountable for my bad choices. I still have to live with their consequences. I’m still sorry for how they’ve hurt other people. I still want to learn from them and make better choices.  But it is so encouraging to be able to kind of “sweep” my past “under the rug” of God’s goodness.  Somehow, in that light, the memories still hurt, but not in the depressing, joy-stealing way they have for so long.  Hmmmm.  The joy of the Lord is my strength(!).  That really, really helps.  All of the days …”

He is so good.  How does any one live without Him?  Maybe I’m weird in that I’m always asking these questions, wrestling with these thoughts.  I guess whether I am or not, I do wrestle with them.  Whether or not I’m weird, I can say without a doubt that God is faithful.  He said, “Ask, and it shall  given you …”  “Call unto Me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things you know not.”  One of the joys of my life is these times when the Lord shows me these things that not only answer my question but also encourage me so much.

Thank you, Lord.  You are so good.  Do help me make better choices.   But most of all, help me to see You, to love You, to trust You, and to let You be my joy.  You’re awesome.

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