I just turned 60 in April. This morning I ran across the following thoughts I typed at age 50. Interesting how, after 10 years, I've absorbed the encouragement into my life, but would not have remembered when or where I learned it. In the hope it might be encouraging to you too, I am posting it:
There is something I’ve been struggling with for quite some time. At the age of 50 and looking back, I feel like I have made so many bad choices and have so many regrets. I think when I accepted the Lord at age 22, I thought following Him would help me make good choices and I wouldn’t have to live with a lot of painful regrets. But now here I am at 50 and sometimes the memories of it all just about suffocate me. I would still like to think this isn’t necessary. But I’m writing this with the strong suspicion that my problem is “common to man.” Since we are sinners, it is probably inevitable that as the years go by we almost can’t help but accumulate a realization that we’ve taken too many wrong turns and then have to suffer the painful consequences we’ve earned and inflicted on others.
This is all,
of course, acknowledged while at the same time being deeply grateful to the
Lord for more blessing than I could have ever dreamed. In spite of all my foolishness, I find myself
“compassed about with blessing.” I can’t
argue at all that I am anything but enormously blessed today. My years have been blessed with a wonderful
family, with many really, really special Christian people, with good jobs with
great people, with all these times when the Lord has taught and showed me, and
all the times He has met me in the way with some little cordial of kindness
that gave me strength to carry on.
But with all
that acknowledged, still, there are these awful regrets, bad decisions, mis-guided
choices, etc., etc. What do I do with
this ugly little monster that follows me around and relentlessly tries to steal
the joy of all my blessing?
The Lord
showed me something this week that really, really helps me. It is found in Psalm 139:16:
All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.
“All
of the days,” “before one of them
came to be.” They were “written in Your
book.”
Every one of
my days was ordained by God(!). That
includes the days when I was making bad choices. In fact it even stretches back to before I
was saved. Talk about bad choices! But even if God had to weave my bad decisions
into the tapestry, still He has always had me securely in His eternal wise control. Somehow, He knew He had to let me make those
bad choices. Somehow they either served
to teach me something or get me some place where He could teach me. Whatever was going on, it all adds up to His
glory. Of course, I’m still accountable
for my bad choices. I still have to live with their consequences. I’m still
sorry for how they’ve hurt other people. I still want to learn from them and
make better choices. But it is so
encouraging to be able to kind of “sweep” my past “under the rug” of God’s
goodness. Somehow, in that light, the
memories still hurt, but not in the depressing, joy-stealing way they have for
so long. Hmmmm. The joy of the Lord is my strength(!). That really, really helps. “All of the days …”
He is so
good. How does any one live without Him? Maybe I’m weird in that I’m always asking
these questions, wrestling with these thoughts.
I guess whether I am or not, I do wrestle with them. Whether or not I’m weird, I can say without a
doubt that God is faithful. He said,
“Ask, and it shall given you …” “Call unto Me and I will answer you, and show
you great and mighty things you know not.”
One of the joys of my life is these times when the Lord shows me these
things that not only answer my question but also encourage me so much.
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